Dear Body, Stop Sucking. Dear Brain, You Too.

I don't know what to do. My body seems to hate me! I've had joint pain since I was a little girl. I don't even remember not hurting. 

I have always had a poor immune system. I'm less sick now than I've ever been, but growing up I got everything that went around. The family recently got sick and I got it worse and was sick longer than everyone else put together.

I'm a big baby about going to see a doctor and haven't actually gone in about six years (other than urgency care twice and the ER once). I really should go I have mass amounts of stomach pain quite often. I recently started having a new pain in my stomach, hence the trip to the ER, and apparently I now have issues with my gallbladder. 

I want to be healthy! I hate that I feel like I take much better care of myself than a huge chunk of the population, but I wouldn't consider myself in good health.

I NEED to try harder I guess. I need to stop doing anything that could be remotely bad for me and live in a bubble. 

If you can't tell I'm feeling bitter, I am.

I've been trying to keep my chin up and stay positive, but every thing that gets thrown our way just makes it harder and harder. 

When we went to burry Marley Anna slid downhill on her face and got right back up and ran right back up! Why can't I naturally be more like that?

Easter

I just have to say that those kids did an amazing job coloring eggs all by themselves!

Happy Easter!

School!

We used a considerable chunk of tax money to buy some Montessori school supplies for the kids. Here are some shots of our school efforts thus far.

Nanna's New Dresses

 I may or may not have been on a dress making kick lately. If it wasn't for the fact that I managed to break my sewing machine there would be a lot more judging by the huge pile of unfinished ones sitting in my craft room!

Weaving Ivy

I spent a good portion of my high school career weaving ivy for advanced art classes (I took three!). Apparently it was good training for parenthood.

Symbolism of a Knit Blanket

Right after I miscarried Marley I got what I guess you could call a surge of creativity. I needed to keep my hands busy. I needed to keep my mind off things. I started a blanket with all of my scrap yarn I'd been using to make granny squares. I worked nonstop for hours on that blanket, but then felt like something was off about it and measured the width witch turned out to be just over ten feet! I decided to tear it apart and start over.

I can even begin to describe the feeling that went along with tearing it all apart. I felt like I had wasted hours of my life for no good reason. I needed to make something and it didn't happen. I was so disappointed and felt so drained I considered not trying again. Then I realized how much my feeling about the blanket aligned with how I was feeling about Marley.  

I couldn't resist the idea that making the blanket might just be healing for me. It would be a physical representation of picking up the pieces of my life and putting it back together just as tearing out the original was representative of the loss itself.

I sincerely feel like I may be putting to much into a simple scrap blanket, but somehow it just feels important.

Embroidered Healing

I embroidered this as part of my healing process. As soon as I remember to I need to add the name of the author!

Power of Conviction

I don't know why I can't seem to make myself do the things I want to do. I have all these ideas and all these strong beliefs, but I am a gigantic hypocrite! 

Every aspect of my life is tainted by the knowledge I'm not doing what I KNOW I should be doing! Parenting, diet, attitude, activities, my relationship with my husband, housekeeping, work, and school, all of of it is well under my own standards, but I don't ever make any effort to change it.

Why is it so hard to say this is the way I want things so this is how I will do it? Why is it that I tell myself children should not watch television as my very own kids watch their third episode of Daniel Tiger? Why do I say I am going to clean the kitchen and instead end up eat a cupcake? Why can't I seem to keep it together?

Dear Marley

First and foremost I want you to know that you were and are loved. From the very second I knew you were there I was so excited and hopeful. I pictured what life with you would be like. I saw myself holding you, nursing you, and guiding you. I felt your hand in mine and I saw us walking together. I watched you playing with your brother and sister, smiling and laughing. I saw you wrap your tiny fingers around your fathers. 

But none of it happened. Suddenly everything felt wrong and all the things I saw started to slip away. One moment your were there and the next you were gone. I saw your little body not moving and your heart not beating.I held your entire body in the palm of my hand and it still feels unreal. 

I don't know what to do or say. I don't know how to pick up the pieces of my life and put it all back together. I'm not sure well to go from here.

True to Form

 I have said it time and time again that I am really probably not the best blogger considering how much of a hard time I have sticking to things and I think I've proven that point! 

I thought I'd update you on what's been going on. Life has been pretty crazy, but things are certainly on the mend. Shayne lost his job in December and only just got another one with his first day being yesterday! He attended a CDL school and got his CDL so that he would be able to make a similar wage to what he had been making before.

We have a pretty rough time recently. Only about seven weeks after we found out we were expecting our third child we lost it. That was the hardest experience of my life. We decided to name the baby Marley and want to find a special place to  bury her. I think Marley deserves a special post so I won't say any more until I can really do it justice.

Even with all the tough stuff we've gone through recently we're still trying to keep our heads up and moving forward.