Dear Marley

First and foremost I want you to know that you were and are loved. From the very second I knew you were there I was so excited and hopeful. I pictured what life with you would be like. I saw myself holding you, nursing you, and guiding you. I felt your hand in mine and I saw us walking together. I watched you playing with your brother and sister, smiling and laughing. I saw you wrap your tiny fingers around your fathers. 

But none of it happened. Suddenly everything felt wrong and all the things I saw started to slip away. One moment your were there and the next you were gone. I saw your little body not moving and your heart not beating.I held your entire body in the palm of my hand and it still feels unreal. 

I don't know what to do or say. I don't know how to pick up the pieces of my life and put it all back together. I'm not sure well to go from here.

True to Form

 I have said it time and time again that I am really probably not the best blogger considering how much of a hard time I have sticking to things and I think I've proven that point! 

I thought I'd update you on what's been going on. Life has been pretty crazy, but things are certainly on the mend. Shayne lost his job in December and only just got another one with his first day being yesterday! He attended a CDL school and got his CDL so that he would be able to make a similar wage to what he had been making before.

We have a pretty rough time recently. Only about seven weeks after we found out we were expecting our third child we lost it. That was the hardest experience of my life. We decided to name the baby Marley and want to find a special place to  bury her. I think Marley deserves a special post so I won't say any more until I can really do it justice.

Even with all the tough stuff we've gone through recently we're still trying to keep our heads up and moving forward.

I'm feeling pretty darn depressed at the moment. We're having a hard time right now and I'm trying to stay positive, but things just keep happening. With Thanksgiving coming I'm trying to remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for, but I'm struggling. 

What's so bad you ask? Well  to start off with this month we got kicked off of food stamps, no big deal since my husband got some overtime and an "extra" paycheck this month. Then we find out somewhere in the budget we messed up an that money wasn't really extra. Again we weren't to worried about it, we used the money for groceries, a coat and winter clothes for Nanna, rain boots for Jacks, underpants for me, and a treat for Shayne so it not like we wasted the money. Then we lose electricity in both our bathrooms and won't have the money for an electrician until we get taxes back. Shortly afterward we found out Shayne was going to loose his job in mid December due to some stupid old policy the company just now chose to enact. It's getting harder to feel quite so positive, but that's ok we've been in tighter spots before. Everywhere Shayne has looked for a new job hasn't really panned out, but we're still confident he'll find something. Then the dishwasher breaks. Totally no big deal, I can wash dishes by hand. It's to bad that I don't have any way to stop up our tiny sink, I may have to wash them in the bathtub... By candlelight... And to top it all off yesterday we were headed to one of my little brother's birthday party and stopped for gas. Once the gas was pumped the car wouldn't start and we had to sit at the gas station for like two hours trying to figure out what was wrong only to have to have the stupid thing towed! Thankfully the tow was covered by our insurance and my cousin was able to pick the kids and I up and take us to the party. We still don't know what's wrong with the car, but at least we have a car that's big enough to hold all of us until we do figure it out.

Yogurt paint

Books

I hardly ever go anywhere without the kids, but since one was napping and the other looked close to it I figured they could stay home with Shayne while I ran some errands. I decided the kids needed a treat. Ok, let's be honest, looking around the bookstore by myself is a pretty good treat! I picked out a handful and was about to leave when I noticed a table of Halloween books and couldn't resist getting more. I originally intended on buying each kid one book, but how could anyone resist such awesome books? I only spent $8 on all of these.

I love that my children saw the books as a treat. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right!

My kids are definitely readers. Last night I got Jacks to go to bed without a fight by telling him we could go to the library today. We go to the library at least twice a week and get a bag full of books plus a themed book kit. Even with all of that we exhaust at least half a shelf of books we own every day! The only negative I can find with my children loving books so much are the amount of tears Jacks sheds when we have to return one of his favorites!

This is one of the reasons I thought blogging might be a bad idea, I sometimes get out if the mood to do anything at all. I tend to fall into these little bouta of depression where I don't want to even leave my house and it's really a problem.

I get snappy and irritable. I hate myself for being short tempered with the people around me, but I can't help it.

My body is driving me crazy. I'm sick and I don't know why. Honestly I'm scared to find out. It's probably nothing, but on the slim chance it is something I'm terrified!

My hormones and cycles are all over the place and I don't know what to expect from one day to the next. 

Here are the only things keeping me even remotely sane:

Midwifery Study Group

This picture has nothing to do with midwifery, but I like it.

Every Monday I get to be part of a midwifery study group that is held by a local midwife. There are four of us that attend and it is amazing how much I already love being around these women! I generally find that I have a hard time fitting in or really feeling comfortable around most people. I have a total of probably three good friends, all of which happen to be married to my husbands cousins or friend! 

Anyway, we've been working our way through Heart & Hands by Elizabeth Davis and every week we work on a skill and do research on a herb. I feel good about the work I'm doing and the things I'm learning. While I'm not motivated to become a midwife I do feel like the skills could be useful and the information is interesting to me and will be beneficial when I start teaching birth classes. I also feel like, should the world as we know it end, it'll make me a useful member of society.